Nintendo Announces Two-Hour Unskippable Zelda Cutscene
"We think that removing the core mechanic of our chosen art form will open up our franchise to a wider audience."
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Fallout-Themed Magic: the Gathering Deck Requires Day One Patch
"You can’t really expect a Fallout game to run well, even in physical card form."
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“Bob’s Burgers” Characters Ranked by How Likely They Are To Get a Terrible Face Tattoo
"You'll never believe number 26!"
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The Curse of the Service Fee: A Choose-Your-Tip Adventure
“Do you not care about the service workers?”
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Don’t Worry, We Didn’t Remove the Part Where James Has Sex With the Giant Peach
Retaining the scene where James absolutely wrecks that peach shows we’re a publisher willing to make hard decisions for the good of children.
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Spiders Should Start Wearing Cute Little Hats
"If spiders didn’t want me to kill them, they’d wear hats."
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Barrel Shortage Forces Craft Breweries to Use Actual Tables
"Every time I look at those four-legged abominations I break down in tears… because without inconvenient thematic seating, we’re just a taproom."
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Man Can’t Decide Whether To Pronounce Foreign Word Like an Asshole or an Idiot
"If I don’t say it correctly I’m gonna look like the type of person who only does missionary and this guy is going to make fun of me to all the cool chefs in the back."
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Historians Now Confident Jesus Also Turned Water Into Strawberry Coconut Hard Seltzer
"Sometimes beer seemeth too heavy, but wine doth not seem quite right either."
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Local Man Pretty Certain Nobody Can Tell He Also Uses His Mask as Napkin
“It’s like this pandemic may have changed our lives forever, but I found the silver lining.”
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You Think Delta Airlines And Corona Beer Have It Bad? My Laundromat Is Named "Horrible Debilitating Murder Disease"
I guess we’re all just reminded again that this pandemic is going to change our lives in even the most surprising ways.
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My Kid Took Karate Lessons And Now I’m Scared Of Him
He’s only a small child, but he’s a small child that knows a lot more about fighting than I do.
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Anybody Know The Combo That Makes Biden Perform A Fatality?
Trump is just standing there, swaying back and forth dazed while the announcer bellows out, “FINISH HIM!” But then… nothing.
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They Just Don't Make Protection Big Enough For My Magnum-Sized Face
This massive rock-hard throbbing face is my burden to bear.
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Upgrade Your Pitiful Lifetime Alumni Membership To Super Double Diamond Lifetime Deluxe
But will a Super Double Diamond Lifetime Deluxe Membership really change your life forever? Yes.
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Apartment Rules That May Or May Not Relate To The Recent Cult Activity
There's been a lot of complaints about the guttural chanting...
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It’s Time To Unify Around A Single Candidate: Ted From Accounting
This is your chance to vote for the "meh" candidate!
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The Five Stages Your Parents Will Go Through When You Use Parental Controls To Block Cable News During Your Visit
It's for their own good.
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While “Saving the World” Is a Nice Hobby, Don’t You Think It’s Time to Consider Graduate School, Superman?
Aren’t you tired of people mistaking you for a bird or a plane? With some higher education, they could recognize you as a local community leader.
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Never Be Forced to Talk to Your Family Again with Nextdoor’s New App, DownTheHall
Now you can publicly shame the entire family without looking up from your phone!
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