Our Customers Demand Terrible AI Systems
"Customers only care about one thing: barely functioning AI crammed into every facet of their lives."
Read
San Francisco Could Be a Great City, If It Weren’t for Their Baseball Team’s Mascot
"Lou Seal is an embarrassment to this once great nation."
Read
Hoarders to Feature Man Who Stores Every File on His Desktop
"This will be the worst episode of Hoarders ever created, which also means it’s the best episode."
Read
Nintendo Announces Two-Hour Unskippable Zelda Cutscene
"We think that removing the core mechanic of our chosen art form will open up our franchise to a wider audience."
Read
Fallout-Themed Magic: the Gathering Deck Requires Day One Patch
"You can’t really expect a Fallout game to run well, even in physical card form."
Read
“Bob’s Burgers” Characters Ranked by How Likely They Are To Get a Terrible Face Tattoo
"You'll never believe number 26!"
Read
The Curse of the Service Fee: A Choose-Your-Tip Adventure
“Do you not care about the service workers?”
Read
Don’t Worry, We Didn’t Remove the Part Where James Has Sex With the Giant Peach
Retaining the scene where James absolutely wrecks that peach shows we’re a publisher willing to make hard decisions for the good of children.
Read
Spiders Should Start Wearing Cute Little Hats
"If spiders didn’t want me to kill them, they’d wear hats."
Read
Barrel Shortage Forces Craft Breweries to Use Actual Tables
"Every time I look at those four-legged abominations I break down in tears… because without inconvenient thematic seating, we’re just a taproom."
Read
Man Can’t Decide Whether To Pronounce Foreign Word Like an Asshole or an Idiot
"If I don’t say it correctly I’m gonna look like the type of person who only does missionary and this guy is going to make fun of me to all the cool chefs in the back."
Read
Historians Now Confident Jesus Also Turned Water Into Strawberry Coconut Hard Seltzer
"Sometimes beer seemeth too heavy, but wine doth not seem quite right either."
Read
Local Man Pretty Certain Nobody Can Tell He Also Uses His Mask as Napkin
“It’s like this pandemic may have changed our lives forever, but I found the silver lining.”
Read
You Think Delta Airlines And Corona Beer Have It Bad? My Laundromat Is Named "Horrible Debilitating Murder Disease"
I guess we’re all just reminded again that this pandemic is going to change our lives in even the most surprising ways.
Read
My Kid Took Karate Lessons And Now I’m Scared Of Him
He’s only a small child, but he’s a small child that knows a lot more about fighting than I do.
Read
Anybody Know The Combo That Makes Biden Perform A Fatality?
Trump is just standing there, swaying back and forth dazed while the announcer bellows out, “FINISH HIM!” But then… nothing.
Read
They Just Don't Make Protection Big Enough For My Magnum-Sized Face
This massive rock-hard throbbing face is my burden to bear.
Read
Upgrade Your Pitiful Lifetime Alumni Membership To Super Double Diamond Lifetime Deluxe
But will a Super Double Diamond Lifetime Deluxe Membership really change your life forever? Yes.
Read
Apartment Rules That May Or May Not Relate To The Recent Cult Activity
There's been a lot of complaints about the guttural chanting...
Read
It’s Time To Unify Around A Single Candidate: Ted From Accounting
This is your chance to vote for the "meh" candidate!
Read
The Five Stages Your Parents Will Go Through When You Use Parental Controls To Block Cable News During Your Visit
It's for their own good.
Read
The Five Stages Your Parents Will Go Through When You Use Parental Controls To Block Cable News During Your Visit
It's for their own good.
Read
While “Saving the World” Is a Nice Hobby, Don’t You Think It’s Time to Consider Graduate School, Superman?
Aren’t you tired of people mistaking you for a bird or a plane? With some higher education, they could recognize you as a local community leader.
Read
Never Be Forced to Talk to Your Family Again with Nextdoor’s New App, DownTheHall
Now you can publicly shame the entire family without looking up from your phone!
Read